2011 Reflection

It's probably no surprise to you when I say that 2011 has been the best year of my life.  I'm willing to assume that it has been the best for Greg, too.  2011 FLEW by faster than any other year in my life.  To sum it up in one word, I am LUCKY.

On the morning of January 7th, before heading into work, I took a pregnancy test.  When the word "pregnant" appeared on the screen, I was shocked and elated!  That day at work I felt as if I was keeping the biggest and most important secret in the world.  It took all I had to keep the news to myself until the moment I could tell Greg when he returned home from work that evening.  I will never forget the look on Greg's face when I handed the test to him.  :)

Telling my parents was another happy memory that I will always remember.  It is so fun for me to have been able to give them a grandchild!  Their support during my pregnancy is something I feel so lucky to have had.  I was so excited that my mom was able to come to a few of my ultrasounds - particularly the one where we found out that we were having a boy.  I also think that from the moment I told my mom I was pregnant, every time I saw her she had a gift for the baby.  I'm so lucky to have the relationship with my parents that I do.

I also will always remember the tearful phone call I received from Greg's mom.  She is so emotional when it comes to her kids, and I just knew how happy she was for Greg to be a dad.  (Something I can finally relate to now that I have a son). 

My friends have also contributed to a great year.  Their interest and excitement in my pregnancy is something that was a bit unexpected, and so special to me.  The beautiful showers that were thrown for us was a definite highlight of the year.  The amount of love and attention to detail that went into them was amazing - I'm so thankful!  I also had 2 special friends of mine take photos of me/us this year to celebrate our pregnancy - photos that are now framed and hanging in our home and are cherished every single day.

I was lucky to have had a VERY easy pregnancy.  I was able to carry on with my life without too much interruption.  I might have complained here and there, but I know how lucky I was.  I am also happy with how my labor and delivery went.  Sure, I would have loved to have had it happen a little EARLIER...and maybe not take so LONG, but looking back on it I feel so lucky for how smoothly Ben was brought into the world.  I recovered quickly and was really able to enjoy those first few post-partum days.

One thing this year that was a little tough was Greg's ever-changing career path!  He started with a job he liked at the Post Office (but that was unfortunately a dead end considering the current state of the USPS), made a short stop at a sales job that was NOT the right fit for him, spent a few months back at trusty old Canyons - a company he has worked at for years (whether part time or full time), and finished the year by getting a job with Aramark, a job that we think and hope will be a long term position for him.  While I know all of the change was tough on Greg, I am so thankful for my hard-working husband.  Even when he hated what he was doing, Greg remained dedicated to showing up to work and working as hard as he could.  I am lucky that I can always trust that Greg will be there doing everything he can to support his family.  His work ethic is something I have always and continue to admire.

For me, the job front has remained consistent with my position at Impact Washington.  This coming February, will mark 7 years with my company.  My role there has evolved from a part time Administrative Assistant, to Operations Specialist, to my new position beginning in January - Small Business Consulting Manager.  The opportunities I have been given to grow, learn (including them paying for me to complete my BA), and be challenged are aspects of my job that I do not take for granted.  I am so thankful that since I am going to be going back to work, that I am returning to a job that I LOVE - that is providing me with the flexibility to be home with Ben 2 days a week.

I turned 30 this year!  THIRTY.  I feel so settled in my life right now, that I suppose 30 sounds about right.  I cannot even begin to relate to my 20 year old self these days!

This year has also been a year full of engagements, pregnancies and babies for the people in my life!  I have enjoyed celebrating all of these events and look forward to the weddings and babies that 2012 will bring!

So, finally - Ben.  As you have read on this blog, Ben had changed my entire world.  I continue to be so amazed that Ben is MY baby.  I would have picked him out of a million babies had I had the choice.  I know that ALL mothers feel this way about their babies, which just blows my mind!  With this amount of love in the world, how does the world have so many problems?  I will continue to try to put into words what I feel for this kid, but it will never be possible to express.  My life is filled with joy I never knew I was missing out on.

So to wrap up, 2011 goes down in my book as a whirlwind of love and happiness.  I'm so thankful for my little family of three and cannot wait to see what the new year brings to us. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog this year :) 

Ben's First Christmas

When I found out I was pregnant earlier this year, (just a few weeks after Christmas 2010), I was thrilled when I realized we would have a baby with us for Christmas 2011!  But in reality, this holiday season did not feel Christmasy at ALL to us for some reason.  Perhaps it is because we have already received the greatest gift of all?  (And maybe also because Greg and I bought ourselves enough this year already and chose not to exchange gifts with one another). 

It was fun taking Ben to see Santa, and it was very fun purchasing some of the books and toys we know he will be enjoying in the upcoming months, but for the most part we felt we had temporarily lost our holiday spirit...

...until Christmas Day!

When we arrived at my parents house on Christmas Morning, I suddenly felt all of the things I typically feel on this day.  My mom had decorated the house beautifully!  We instantly smelled my favorite danish cooking in the oven.  We were handed salted caramel lattes (with Christmas sprinkles!) that my mom had made for us!  And we could see a mountain of presents for Benny waiting under the tree :)

We all enjoyed a delicious breakfast together (at a festively decorated table), opened up our stockings and presents, sat around and enjoyed one another's company (and wine!) and finished up the evening with another amazing meal.  It was SO special having Ben there with us.  Although he doesn't quite understand Christmas yet, he DID really seem into some of the toys he received!  It is going to be so much fun as he grows into them in the upcoming months.

Thanks, mom and dad, for making the day SO special!

3 Months Old

Ben turned 3 months old today, on Christmas Eve!  Being around your baby every second of every day, it's hard sometimes to notice the rapid rate they are changing.  I of course notice when he does something new, but just looking at old pictures of him from just 4 or 6 weeks ago, it blows my mind how different he looks and acts now!

In the past month, Ben has become a LOT more vocal - both with adorable cooing, talking, and laughing...as well as CRYING and fussing!  Nap time (and anytime he is overly tired) routinely comes with some tears now.  Sometimes that comes in the form of a gentle protest (where his cries almost sound like him saying "no, no") or an all-out WAIL!  The importance of catching him before he reaches tired-meltdown status has increased in the past couple weeks.

Drooling is on the rise.  I actually thought he might be teething, as I can see little white spots all over his gums, but I don't think that anymore.  He loves to chew on our fingers, hands, arms, shoulders, etc., though.

Ben seems to be VERY observant these days.  He loves to watch us talk, and will stare as our mouths makes sounds.  It seems like he is just taking it all in for the day when he will be able to say his first word.  He especially enjoys when we read and sing to him.

Hand-eye coordination seems to be developing very well!  He will now bring his hands together, touch his face, gnaw on his fingers and thumb, and has become a pro at grabbing my hair or shirt.  He now occasionally grabs his toys on his activity mat (while squealing and kicking in excitement).

Ben is now starting to notice who is with him in a room, and when I leave.  The other day when leaving for a work meeting, while being held by my mom, he looked at me and cried.  (Or perhaps I was just imagining it as that was my biggest fear - him feeling abandoned by me)!  Soon, he will really know my mom and others who take care of him, so I am not going to worry about that too much.

Ben is still following the Babywise recommended eat/wake/sleep pattern, and it continues to work well for all of us.  Almost like clockwork, he will fell asleep for each of his naps approximately 1.5 hours after eating.  His naps now tend to be a little shorter, but the pattern remains the same.  Ben goes down to sleep for the night around 8 pm and sleeps until 4 am usually.  At that time, I bring him into bed with me and we both go back to sleep until 7 or 8.  I LOVE those few hours when I know he is sleeping there beside me and I can roll over and give him a smooch whenever I want.

Ben is also a fan of.....the TV.  Dang it.  He will all but strain himself to get a glimpse of the TV when it's on.  I suppose it's our own fault for having the darn thing on all the time.  I crack up when I walk into the room and find Ben and Greg in the same position - eyes glazed and mouth slightly open as they watch the screen.  In the upcoming months we may have to make some changes in this department!

From what others have told me, the changes that babies go through between 3 and 6 months are hard to believe and amazing to witness - so we look forward to this next stage!

LAUGHTER

This JUST happened.  And MAN, it was good.

So serious

Post-Pregnancy Survey

After doing 30-something weekly surveys during my pregnancy, I have become accustomed to thinking in "best part of the week" and "what I'm missing" terms.  I thought as a nice wrap-up to the year, I would do one final survey - post pregnancy, because - why not?

How far along: 12.5 weeks post-partum!
Weight gain: None, thankfully!  I'm down all of my pregnancy weight, and some of last year's holiday weight!
How big is baby: Well, he has got to be at least 14 pounds by now.  I'm happy that he chose to bulk-up AFTER being born.
Maternity clothes: Nope!  They have all either been tucked away in storage or have found new homes.
Stretch marks: No
Sleep: Sleep has been awesome.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  Ben has been sleeping through the night (aka at least an 8 hour stretch, plus another 3-4 hours) since he was 8 weeks old.
Best moments: His birthday was my favorite day, and I'm jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant and gets to experience those moments in the upcoming months!  But every day has just been such a gift. 
Movement: Yep!  He isn't "mobile" by any means, but this kid seems to have restless leg syndrome!
Food Cravings: I have been eating cookies like it's my job.  I am willing to guess that I have had more cookies in the last three months than I have had in the past few years combined.  I was pretty careful for the most part while I was pregnant, but my appetite is ravenous a lot of the time due to breastfeeding, and I'm not holding back much in that department.  The minute I can tell that these cookie calories are no longer being burned off, I will stop...I hope.
Labor Signs: N/A
Belly button in or out: In!
What I miss: I think the only thing I miss right now is having (or should I say, taking) the time to exercise.  I can count on one hand the amount of times I have worked out since having Ben (minus walks we take together).  I really do miss my yoga practice.
What I'm looking forward to: As much as I want him to stay a little baby forever, I am SO looking forward to hearing him say "mama" and having him reach out with his arms for me to pick him up.

Old Jessica vs. New Jessica

Since having Ben, I've been a little...obsessed with my new life as his mom.  Maybe "obsessed" isn't the right word, but definitely "focused", on him and only him.  I think that being pregnant forces most women into a little bit of an identity crisis.  We go from being ourselves, to being this constantly changing, edited version of ourselves.  We go from taking care of and worrying about just US, to having to be mindful of every food we consume, every physical action we take...all while our physical appearance is changing and hormones are raging.

And then you have your baby, and it's as if nothing else matters.  Except it does!  Your relationship, your friendships, your job, staying healthy, your appearance, your hobbies - they all still matter!  It's just hard to remember to devote the time to all of those things in the way you used to!

I find myself getting distracted from things a lot easier than I used to.  I used to have a lot of things on my plate, and for the past three months it has been all about Ben!  What a nice break from it all it has been, but soon (as in now) I need to get back into the practice of doing other things.

I have unfortunately worked more during my maternity leave than I ever intended to, and while it has been nice financially (and perhaps good practice for when I'm back and working from home), I have also resented the fact that I've spent so much time doing it.  This week I had an in-person meeting that I attended, and while leaving Ben was difficult, I have to admit that it was REALLY good for me. 

Ben stayed at home with my mom.  I was able to get dressed, leave the house with my purse instead of my diaper bag, listen to music loudly in the car, and then sit in a room with my coworkers and focus on our plan for 2012.  It was nice.  I of course missed my little guy, but it was nice to spend a few hours as the old Jessica, accomplishing things at work, and then be able to return to him.

I had lost all sense of who I am (which is easy to do when you are spending so much time with your baby!) but I was happy to have that small piece of me back.

I am going to try to remember to get out more.  I'm taking Rachel's offer to watch Ben next week so I can go to a yoga class.  I'm going to try to utilize Greg's offers more often on the weekends to go out and do stuff (once in awhile!).  And I can happily say now, returning to work in the office 3 days a week is not going to be the WORST thing in the world. 

Recent photos

I am long overdue for a post about what Ben has been up to lately, but I'm choosing to save all of that for his upcoming 3 month old post. But here are a few recent pictures that I haven't gotten around to posting yet.

Meeting Santa

We went to meet Santa last week.  (Excuse my picture of the picture, but I don't have access to a scanner at the moment).  Ben seemed completely oblivious to whose lap he was sitting on, and after the photographer snapped this photo, Ben turned his head and started burying his face in Santa's beard.  I kind of wish the photographer had taken a picture of that as I would have paid extra for that ;)

Cute baby noises

Ben was particularly talkative the other night.

Brush Brush Brush

Ben always gets a kick out of me brushing my teeth.  (You can hear me using my old school, manual toothbrush here...I need to purchase a new Sonicare).  This one's for you, Erica!

Tickle Monster

We brought out the Tickle Monster book my friend Brenna gave us, and guess who loves it?

We discovered Ben is the most ticklish under his neck. Cute!

Rolling Over...Kind of

Prior to taking this, Ben and I were practicing his roll over (front to back).  I would tuck his arm for him and help him fall to the side.  Here is him doing that on his own.

Squeaky Toy Fun

Ben absolutely lights up when he sees his little friend here.  (Excuse the background noise - we were out to eat). :)

Bottle Woes

Well....Ben won't take a bottle...guess I'm never going to leave him, EVER!  On a semi-related note, I have not been drunk since this exact day last December.  Since I go back to work three weeks from today, and since I have a meeting that I should be at all afternoon one week from today, I'm somewhat desperate to figure this issue out.


(I also would like to have more than 1 glass of wine one day...although the importance of this - which I highlighted as "what I miss most" more weeks than not on my weekly pregnancy survey - is nothing right now).


I'm heading out to buy a few different bottles tonight.  In the upcoming days/weeks we shall practice-practice-PRACTICE.


And I'm seeking any and all suggestions to get through this dilemma...


UPDATE: First, thanks Denali for the info!  Some of those tips played into our successful morning!  We went out and purchased a Tommee Tippie "Closer to Nature" bottle (and BTW, they really are pretty boob-like).  I had to nurse for a minute and then try it, and he took it just fine (as he had once in the past with Dr. Browns).  I think the key to future success will be for us to practice this daily, so that I can have a little less anxiety about leaving him during feeding time.  It has always been somewhat of a comfort to know that I am there for plan B. 


Anyway, it's nice to know that my freezer FULL of milk I have been diligently been stocking up on will (hopefully) be consumed!

Eyelashes

Why is it always the boys that are blessed with beautiful, long lashes?

Fun with the iPad

Gotta love the reverse camera.

Total. Daycare. Meltdown.

Yesterday, I thought it was a good idea for Ben and I to pay a visit to his daycare center - the one I set up for him over the summer while I was still pregnant.  At the time, I had put a deposit down to reserve his Wednesday/Friday spot, but was told that after he was born, I should bring in all of his paperwork and registration stuff to get him all ready for his first day.
I should preface this post by saying that as I get closer and closer to the end of my maternity leave, the overwhelming feeling of DREAD has consumed me at times.  It's not that I am not looking forward to being back at my job - because I am.  I will be starting the year off with a big, new, (important) program that I will be managing and I am eager to prove to my company (and to myself) that I can ROCK the working-mom thing.  The problem is, I just CANNOT imagine being away from Ben.  To not be the one to hold him when he cries, or feed him when he is hungry, etc.  I am sure he will be too young to notice that I have left (at least I hope), so the separation anxiety is mostly going to be my problem and not his, but in general it sucks.  I have been feeling lately that it is just completely UNFAIR that the standard maternity leave in the United States is just SO SHORT.  (Shout out to Shauna, who is going back to work on MONDAY).

So back to our daycare visit.  The teachers there were great, loving, sweet with the babies, and completely adequate in terms of caring for the little ones there.  They answered all of my questions well and completely understood how hard of a time I was having with it all.  I had a bit of a hard time when two of the babies (around 4 months old) both started crying at the same time, and only ONE of them could be picked up.  I mean, hello - I'm sure that is the case in families with multiple children, and other daycare facilities, etc. - but as I sat there looking at the little boy (who was wearing an outfit that Ben also has, with a cry that sounded almost identical to Ben's hungry cry), I had to hold it together before I burst into tears right then and there.

I quickly put my sunglasses on, thanked them for their time, and told them we would see them in January....but the second I said that out loud, I knew that I was going to do everything I could to ensure that we would NOT be back.
I called Greg, my mom, and a few of my friends in total-meltdown mode.  I emailed with friends, sobbed on my couch, and then started to brainstorm ways I could find a different situation for Ben.  Obviously, I know that the daycare would have been FINE.  (The logical part of my brain KNOWS this).  But the emotional attachment I have for this kid.....ugh.  So overwhelming.  I knew that if I HAD to be away from him, I really wanted to feel super comfortable with where he would be, and who he would be with.

Within an hour, I had lined up my mom to watch him my entire first week back (Tuesdays and Thursdays I will still get to work from home - THANK GOODNESS).  Greg's mom agreed to spend the rest of January with us and watch Benny when I'm at the office - THANKS, MARCIA!

And then my friend Callie called.  I swear, I was not even planning this as I told her my sob story from the morning.  As I talked, she listened - and completely understood my fears/sadness about leaving him.  And after I was done, she asked me if SHE could watch him instead!  It was as if all (okay, most) of my fears about being away from Ben vanished.  Callie LOVES me, and she LOVES Ben, and she is right up there with the best of them as far as moms (and friends) go.  When the time comes, I really do feel deep down that Ben will be in great hands!  Ever since our conversation, I keep thinking about how great of friends Ben will be with her girls (Ben was born on Maylee's 2nd birthday, and 2 days after Mira's 4th birthday).  I keep laughing as I know he will likely be dressed up as a Disney princess by them a time or two :)  It makes me feel good to know that she is just a text message away, and that I can call and obsess over him and what they are doing as often as I want without worrying that I'm being a little crazy. But most importantly, (at least for me), I love knowing that when he cries, he will be held and snuggled by someone who I have known forever, and who truly loves him.

(I want to be sure that I don't come across as if I have an issue with "daycare".  I really don't.  I am certain that Ben would have thrived had I made the choice to send him there, but there just was something about it all that didn't feel right for us). 

So yes, it still sucks big time that I cannot be in two places at once.  I suppose that I'm about to really understand what a challenge the whole work/life balance can be.  At least for now, the massive pit in my stomach that reached a level that I cannot handle yesterday, is gradually disappearing.