Dear Ben

 

Yesterday was tough for Ben.

Transitioning into school has been a little emotional and not what I expected for him. I had assumed that he would thrive in an environment full of kids his age, which I'm confident will be the case soon, but to be honest, I think the change of pace and scenery has been a little abrupt and overwhelming for him.

When I walked into the cafeteria yesterday to pick him up, he took one glance up at me walking in the door and broke down into tears as he ran towards me. When he finally could muster the words, he said "Can you take me home Mommy? I'm feeling sad". 

While I have had experience with feeling empathy for others in the past, I don't know if I've ever felt it so strongly as I did in that moment. I was ready to pull him out of school, quit my job and home school him through college. It truly broke my heart.

It occurred to me that in this very moment in our lives, there is absolutely nothing that brings comfort to Ben like the site of his Mama. At school, he was crying tears of relief because when we are together, all is right in his world and he feels safe. 

I never ever want to take that for granted and it pains me to think know that I will not always be able to provide that for him. One day, the sight of me or my holding him in my arms will not be enough to erase a tough day out in the world.

Last night, the nasty cough that Ben seems to have had come and go a zillion times over the past 4 months woke him up. He cried until I came to be with him in his room, continued to say "I want mama" even as I was holding him, and proceeded to barf down my arm because he was so worked up. But the entire time I was changing my clothes, and his, and his bedding, and getting him water, and Tylenol, and adding water to his humidifier, and finally rocking him back to sleep in my arms, all I kept thinking about was how lucky I was to be the one there providing him comfort and how grateful I was that it was me he wanted. I was in his bed, pinned underneath him, frozen because I was too afraid to sneak out because I wanted him to stay calm and asleep. And cherishing every second.

I now am realizing that for the rest of my life, no matter the circumstance, I will be feeling his pain, wishing I could fix everything, and hoping that he still will turn to me (to us) to help him. I don't knew how many more months or years (please GOD let it be YEARS) that he will be soothed by me and want me there when he is sad.

So, Ben, should you read this someday: Being your mom has been the greatest gift and the best experience of my life. I hope you always know we are here for you and I hope you always know and feel how much we love you. I will be working hard everyday of my life not to screw up this bond we have right now :)